(500) Days of Summer

I love this movie. I love it love it love it. Love everything about it..

And - I have a bit of a crush on 3rd Rock from the Sun guy - who was just in the movie Inception...

This was him then... And this is a hottie picture of him now...

Okay - okay - so he's no David Beckham... but there is something about him that is extremely attractive..

But - enough about my crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt....

Let me focus on what I'm trying to say.

If you want to see (500) Days of Summer - do not read the next paragraph! SPOILER LERT!!

Summer tells Tom that she doesn't want a relationship, but enters into what appears to be a relationship with him.. Tom, a hopeless romantic, assumes that Summer is like all other sappy girls (like me) and labels the relationship as a "relationship." Subsequently, they break up, and she marries another. Bitter, Tom has to confront the idea that there is no destiny, no true love, and try to get over Summer.

My focus isn't on Tom. It's on Summer.

She ends up "reverting" if you will - back to the girlish notion of 'romance' - the one that Tom subscribed to to begin with. BUT - when the movie started, she wasn't that girl, and to a certain extent, you didn't like her. Not because she's not adorable. Not because the movie tried to make you not like her, but something inside of you said - "that's not normal. She should want that guy more than this movie is pointing out." Even as the movie opens with "this is not a love story" - you hope that it is a love story. Then - you find out that it's not a love story because of HER - not because of HIM - which is how it usually goes.

I seem to be surrounded by strong women in my life. Between Luscious, Lily, DD, and one of my sisters.. I am attracted by very strong women - who believe in achieving their own - with or without men. They believe in the concept of just having fun, and not being tied downn by a man - necessarily. To a certain degree, they all retain that girlish need to be wanted, suited, but for the most part, they put themselves first.. Which is what, historically, men did.

What's bringing about this new breed of woman? Is it good? Is it bad?

Whatever it is, it is what it is...

I look at this because I love the independent woman, but I'm also incredibly unlike them. I'm not independent. In fact, I think my problem is that I'm too dependent.... on MCSquared. I'm sure he'd like me to be much much more independent.. But that too - is another blog.

I am so drawn to Summer, and all these other real women in my life. They recognize commonalities among themselves, and in fact, I've discussed it with them. The biggest commonality is that they're all a little bit afraid of commitment.

Okay - more than just a little afraid. More like commitment-phobic. But out of that fear I think grew something pretty amazing. Self-growth.

Women are striving to find a man, impress a man, get a man. For the most part, a woman educates herself, but it takes a bit of a back burner when a guy is around.... or love blossoms. The percentage of women who give up their careers for their men, or for their family is exponentially higher than men who do the same for their wives, or their families. This isn't a bad thing per se, but it leaves a woman always wondering - what would have happened if I took the other route... thought more about their own needs and wants and careers and goals.

My friends, I'm not sure if Summer is included, it didn't really go into her career, have this in common. They've strived for things they've wanted, discovered things about themselves that they've always wanted to uncover. Everyday is a struggle, however, because society's views usually creep in - in the form of nagging mothers and wondering girlfriends, and old friends moving on with their lives (meaning children...)

In the end, however - they focus on their own growth before they focus on finding a man. That's impressive... and hard to do against years and years of social engineering for women to focus on their families and their men.

I suppose that's why I'm a bit envious of it.

Metamorphosis

MCSquared got me a laptop.

For the past year (give or take a month) I haven't wanted to blog. I was going through some things in my life and I realized.... there are some things so deeply intimate in your life - that even if you didn't mean to discuss them in your daily life (you know - the life where you automatically put a mask on your face and remotely answer "fine" when someone said "hello" rather than "how are you" because you really aren't paying attention - life) they still seemed somehow to leak no matter how you tried to keep those worlds apart?

That was happening to me. I started reading my blogs from A Case of Dyang Part Deux (not A Case of Dyang - which I didn't really start this transformation in yet...) - and I was like - wow.. bummer.. Maybe I was the last to know that I was leaking... all over the place. Like a cup that runneth over.... or a vase with cracks.. Or maybe even that freakin monstrosity of a dam in chiner...

I was leaking.

So - I had to take another step back - and assess. My life - seemed - at that point - a series of step backs. A series of "time outs" if you will.

And now I'm back.

Transformed.

Not perfect. Not even better, necessarily. Just different.

It wouldn't be accurate to say that I changed into a completely different thing, as metamorphosis implies. My outsides are still the same. Some of my insides are as well. But - there is something fundamental that has changed - and it's kinda like it's different only because of the way the light hits it. I'm not necessarily just the object. I'm also the light that lights it. I've changed the angle of the light..

Suffice to say - I'm not going to go into much detail. It's not like you were holding your breathe for a full year to wait and see what mysteries prevented me from blogging. I just thought - if there were people out there reading - or were going to read in some time in the future - this hiatus deserves some sort of explanation.

And the explanation is simple.

Metamorphosis.

Time Out

I took a time out for myself. I’m not used to doing that. I’m used to masking my need for time alone and immersing it with time with others. I used to think my “down time” was going out with friends, and just having a great movie night, or drinking and talking and gushing and communicating, and sharing…


And I’m exhausted.


Once again, inspiration has sprung from a movie – a movie I’ve quoted on here before…. The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood.




Right before Ashley Judd’s character (she’s the young mother) falls off the deep end, she goes away – and stays in a hotel – all by herself. (See the video via - around 6min 40 secs) I remembered thinking – how sad. How depressing an existence that is to do that. To be away from your children, to be away from your husband, to be away from friends and family? How sad that must be, and how sad the person must be to do it.


With all the things that are going on in my life right now – I called a time out for myself, and said, “self – if you were to go somewhere and be alone, where would you want to be.” At first I yelled at myself, berated myself. Alone? Are you insane? Why would I EVER want to be alone? Why would I EVER want to be away from that adorable beautiful wonderful family that I have? Calmly, a voice replied, because you are sinking. And you need a timeout.


You have two choices, you can either have a timeout and try to get yourself back on your two feet, or you’re going to sink and drown, and you’re going to drag that beautiful wonderful amazing family down with you.


What are you going to do?


My reply was simply – the ocean. When I am alone, the happiest I am, ever will be, ever was, was when I was by the ocean water. I inherited that from my mother. She loved the ocean Whenever she was sad, she said – she’d go to the ocean and hash things out. Not necessariy with anyone, just with herself.


So – here I am. In front of an ocean, trying to hash things out inside, and all I can think about is – what am I going to have for dinner… when am I going to shower… It’s definitely getting cold.. yada yada yada. I suppose it very much an “eat pray love – trying to meditate” moment.


It’s beautiful here. The surf is only about 50 feet away – and I’m at the furthest point on the beach that I can be away from the waves. My room is right above me. I can technically write this up there – rather than here – on the beach – where I think the sand is messing with my keyboard. But – there’s something amazing about being able to type your blog, hash out your feelings, and get connected to yourself, on the beach – with a huge electronic toy. (wink.)


I’m all alone.


There are other people here – but they don’t know me from a hole in the wall. (never did get that saying). I’ve been sitting here on the beach since about 2:30ish. It’s 6:12. And the blaring question on my mind is – where am I going to eat. Out – or in?


But it shouldn’t be right? It should be the deeper questions – like – why am I here… what do I need to make me happy – what am I going to do about all the heavy?

And I’ve decided. No. It’s not.


An adult time out is about you. Whatever you want it to be to jolt you out of the same mundane thought pattern, to rejuvenate you. It could be going away (something drastic like me) – or a simple something by yourself. But – effeciely – the only one rule I suppose I have in my own head which I will impose on no one is – you have to be alone. Timeouts are for you. All for you. To be alone. And still…


And see if you can stand yourself. Because then – and only then – will you start listening to yourself. Not – focusing on yourself – because – let’s be honest – you focus on yourself all the time. You are probably 100% consumed with yourself. But – how often do you actually ask and answer the question, “what do I need?” much less – “what do I want?”


People are often telling themselves what they SHOULD need and what they SHOULD want. Which is why – it’s not a good idea to have anyone around when you’re in timeout mode. Because other people have this annoying little tendency to want to socialize and talk. I know – I know. I am a very BIG offender of that myself. But – when you need to put yourself in a timeout, you need to hear yourself. And that means, no chitty chatty talky socialize time. Other than that – no rules.


I spent a lot of time putzing around myself. For frick’s sake – it took me a whole 4 hours to get here. Then there was that whole eat lunch thing. Then I was on the beach – reading smutty magazines (a very guilty pleasure… right up there with surfing porn (hey – don’t judge me. If you say you’ve never done it – you’re probably lying – or worse – oppressed!…)) then I think I fell asleep. Then – I started writing. I’m freezing by the way. It’s a balmy 70 degrees where I am – with a wind chill factor of winds off the Atlantic at a warm 68 degrees – or thereabouts – (insert your local weather person’s name here) I am not.


And now – the question is – what do I want.


WHAT!?


The rest is between you and your timeout session.


Boy – there is nothing like crashing waves, and salt in the air to clear a mind.

It’s nice.

Nine Eleven

Today is 9/11. I'm a New Yorker by birth. Not upstate New York, not New York State - a New Yawkah. Born in St. Vincents (recently closed - thank you Board of Directors for mismanaging funds) - lived my first three years in the boro of Manhattan (Yes - it is technically one of the five boros - Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, the Bronx and Manhattan). Born in 1976, there is a bit of a connection between myself and the Trade, because - the Trades were created in the 70's - and so was I. Prior to the 70's, the skyline was completely different, than when I was older and when I used to watch them from my father's station w as we drove over the Brooklyn Promenade part of the BQE (Brooklyn/Queens Expressway). I fell in love with the Towers. It was a 25 year love affair.

Like any lost love in your life, there is a mourning period. For me - I was in mourning over what happened. The worse part of it was that I had already moved away from the city by then, but I felt such a strong connection. So many of my friends worked near the towers, across the street, in the towers. I lost a friend in the Towers... I know friends of friends who witnessed horrific things, I know other who lost loved ones. But I was disconnected from them - because I was not in the city to mourn with them. I've always regretted that. I was THAT person who tried to find any connection they could to what happened. I was the one who said that if I took a 5:00am train from Smallbany - which I never do - and took the A to the Trade Center - for whatever reason - I would have been there. I just wanted to be a part of it. I know that sounds terrible - but I wanted to be connected to the city I grew up in, and had coursing through my veins. I wanted to have more reason to cry with them and be angry.. But I was miles north- and unable to share anything...

So - I went through the frustration, anger, denial etc... myself.. in order to come to terms with how I felt about this tragedy. You would think that after each sobering year, everyone would be further and further away from those broken feelings and that things would get easier. Unfortunately - it doesn't for me. Nor - as I can see from media coverage, Facebook posts, twitters - it doesn't for others either.

In my own life, I’m experiencing a lot of change. You see things through different and new perspectives. I’m seeing the World Trade Center tragedy through different eyes this year. Pensive, yes, sad, absolutely – but different.

What has happened since the Trade Center. Has anything good come from it? Over 2,000 people – dead. Fighting over a mosque’s location near the center and the threatening of burning the Koran in Florida - war amongst ourselves, war with other people. Do I dare say that the tragedy had accomplished its goal of fracturing this country more than it has to uniting it? So much so that when the memory of the tragedy started to fade in the eyes of the public, the wives of the 9/11 tragedies were accused of doing all they were doing for monetary gain. We still haven’t found Bin Laden. We have lost thousands more in our young service men and women. And are we any better than we were pre 9/11.

My girlfriend had a bumper sticker on her car. It was always very significant to me. It was simply the word ‘COEXIST’ using the various religious symbols.

It means more to me today than it did before 9/11. In the words of Rodney King – “Can’t we all just get along?”

(see video via)

We need to remember 9/11. We need to remember the lives that were lost – the people we loved, the city that was devastated. But more than that – we have to make sure that they didn’t die in vain. That there was something good and beautiful that came out of their sacrifice for us. That we will be resolved to look into the eyes of terrorism and say – I will continue to live my life, and love those different around me. I may even dare to love you too.

It makes me see things with a bit of perspective. You’re supposed to appreciate the things in your life the most during trying times like these. You’re supposed to remember why you cannot do without your family – close friends. Help this bring us all closer together… let it help us to coexist with those who have differing beliefs. Let the sadness in our heart not be about who was right, or who was wrong, and why.

Let THAT be the way we honor those who have fallen. Let never forgetting spring us into the action of living… and coexisting… happily.

No more war. No more. Within, without. It’s over.


Coexist.

Inner Strength in outer toesies.

I’m gazing at my daughter shoving a big handful of rice into her already filled mouth, chipmunk cheeks growing. She’s sitting lazily in her high chair, and I’m being an AWESOME mom by letting her watch TV and eat her lunch at the same time. I know – I know – bad habits. I keep thinking/saying that it’ll be different when this next one arrives. Probably not, but that’s what’s getting me through the guilt.

As you’ve already read, I’m going through some tough times. It would be unbearable given my current state of hormonal-ness. For pete’s sake – the toilet didn’t flush correctly last week – and I asked God why my life was so hard… I’m serious.

But – my heightened sense of “my life sucks right now” is tempered by this little chipmunk eating right next to me. She’s so full of life, laughter and joy. Living vicariously through her has lightened my “woe is me” attitude.

I used to watch movies and kinda scoff at the women who, while making their children struggle their entire lives about whether or not they love them (i.e., The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood) – they end up telling them 30 something years later that it is their mere existence that has made all the difference in their lives.

(watch the scene via (at around 4:50))

When I wasn’t a mom yet, I used to think I could handle anything. It was definitely easier. No tantrums to deal with, no one constantly bombarding you with needs and wants. I was able to maneuver through my life without much effort, and drown my sorrows in tequila laden nights and friends who would be so inclined to help me with that mission. For the most part, I was happily masking my pain with the busy-ness of a single/childless person’s life. I thought that was the ticket, and I thought I was doing well. I had full control over my life, and the mere thought of having to share that control with an uncontrollable infant/toddler was unthinkable. After all, I am number one in my own life.

Then I had her. Life hadn’t gotten easier. There were more stresses with a baby. She had demands and needs that sometimes I felt that I couldn’t address. I had demands and needs that had to suddenly take a back seat to the needs of this kid. My body changed, I lost a bit of my youth and beauty – and for a while – I thought it was too hard. On top of the underlying issues in my life, this little one added more, and took away the only way I understood how to deal with these problems… the freedom to do whatever I wanted.

But – begrudgingly, I started noticing other things. My life hadn’t gotten easier, but I was laughing more. I was delighted by the pitter batter of little fat fingers and toes on the floor that soon became little padded feet. I found happiness in a smile, or a successful bathroom run. The pride of seeing similarities between the two of us was mixed with the want to see her become a better version of me. But through it all – I was happy-happier than when I was just ‘managing’ my own unhappiness as a single/childless woman. Everything about her made me happy. Sometimes I was exhausted when she didn’t nap – but once asleep – the way the breathe came in and out between her puckered lazy lips made me smile in my heart.

Therein lies the difference. When I was dealing with my own pain and struggles on my own, there was no smile in my heart. After this one came, no matter how difficult things were, or how often I cried myself to sleep – there she was every morning, with a bright smile on her face, ready to discover the world all over again. And so bewitched was I that I started to want to rediscover the world again through her. It became beautiful to me again through her eyes, through her discovery. Fascinating, beautiful, radiant… that was the way she is, the way I am when I see her, and the way the world around us is…

So – as she sings the theme song to “Super Why” I’m reminded, I have untapped strength hidden. I want her to fly on her own one day – and not be encumbered by the idea that I find this inner strength through her…. But now that it’s been untapped and unleashed, I know it’s there and hopefully, I won’t always need her to be the one to release it for me.

But that’s a completely different blog.

Spread your wings butterfly.. and fly.....

I haven't been posting anything for a while because I've been going through some tough times.. There's been a lot of setbacks, but a lot of breakthroughs too. Usually -I find that I hash things out on my blog - but I've also realized that I am also this side of private to share all the nitty gritty details of my life – with or without anonymizing the people in my life.. (sorry – I just Sarah Palin’d that word – but it seemed appropriate..)

In all the roughness of the past month or two – I find that for the most part – I’m doing alright. I’m getting by – and more importantly – I’m learning a lot about myself….

I’m not sure if I wrote this in another blog – maybe my previous one – but I love this story – because I seem to be able to apply it to my own life – all the time,,

The story goes like this:

“There was once a man who found a butterfly’s cocoon on the ground. He had noticed a slight hole in it – and that the butterfly within was STILL IN THERE and ALIVE. He saw how it was struggling to get out – and decided that he had to help the butterfly. He poked at the hole – and soon – opened a gap in it big enough for the butterfly to easily climb out. The butterfly climbed out of the cocoon and tried in vain to spread its withered looking wings. Soon thereafter it died. The man was confused. What happened? Why hadn’t the butterfly spread its wings to fly?! Turns out – the butterfly needed to use its own efforts to get out of the cocoon – because that effort would pump the blood it needed into its wings so that the wings gained enough strength once it was able to get out of the cocoon, and fly away.”

The moral of the story is – the guy was a freakin jerk.

Okay – just kidding. The moral of the story is (for this blog – I kid you not – I use this story in a lot of contexts.. You may see it again) – some suffering may be good – because in the end – the struggle make us stronger.

I’m finding that especially true for me right now.

Sometimes it feels better to just sit and rot in our cocoons. I mean – why not? It’s nice and warm. We’re protected from the outside world. We’re dry, and for the most part, we’ve got the food we need to eat. We have no idea what’s out there.. Why bother even venturing outside at all?

Some people don’t venture outside their own cocoons, and they are ever happy about it. It’s not a big deal to them at all. I don’t judge these people. I think the world is tough enough – and everyone’s got to find their own happiness – no matter what. I know a number of these people – and I adore them. I’m also sure that in their own ways – they’ve encountered these small little cocoons of change and have triumphed.

And – there’s nothing to say that the world we venture into IS guaranteed to be better than the one we left. Sometimes our eyes are opened, and we DO wish we chose the BLUE pill.

(Matrix reference… sorry about that – but I love that movie!! But - see the clip - via)

But – if you’re unhappy about where you are – then where’s the loss? I think the mind and body always try to seek a balance within. Not just ancient Chinese juju I’m talking about – but you know when you’re off a little-both in happiness and sickness. When you’re unhappy – you feel it. You may not be able to recognize the origin of that unhappiness, but it’s there. And – when it is to the extent that it throws you off balance (which is when you start to notice it to the point where you actually ARE unhappy.. because – let’s face it – there are moments of the day where you might feel a little uhappy – but for the most part – they’re fleeting moments and have no true impact on your overall psyche..) there has to be enough of it for you to move into action.

Being generally unhappy is not good enough. I know a number of people whose personalities err on the side of unhappy, and they’re perfectly okay with that… Some people find happiness in their unhappiness. I’m not going to judge these people either. Like I said – everyone’s gotta find their own way.. Just don’t rain on my parade is MY motto.

But when you’re unhappy enough to the point where you need to find that balance again – a lot of times, you venture out of the cocoon – because the cocoon is not feng shuied enough. Not enough to balance your new needs. It worked at one point, but now you must move on.

Then – the work begins.

It’s not easy – change. Change is hard work. A lot of times, it opens up the closets in the house we call our brain, and skeletons come pouring out. Skeletons we spent many painstaking years trying to conceal. The difficulty with change comes in trying to deal with these skeletons, because you need to confront your skeletons, before you can get past it and get to the real change. For the most part, we don’t have to deal with ALL of them… just enough of them to effectuate some real change.

Sometimes we fail.. because it’s just too hard. But – other times, when we are able to get through it – it is brilliant.

I’m not there yet. I’m still struggling to get through it. I’m so focused on this right now – that everything else takes second seat. But – I’m emerging somewhat for air… and when I do – I see a glimpse of the shoreline of my destination – and it is beautiful.

I’m going to spread my wings… because I just screamed at the guy that was trying to help me – and said – I gotta do this all by myself man!! I’m gonna spread these wings, even if it kills me.

Laissez Love-A-Faire

I've been thinking about love. MCSquared and I have a very interesting love affair. I am an emoter. He is not. I show people that I love them when I do. He does not.

It got me to thinking about how I was supposed to teach my daughter about love and what to do with love.

Love is a bit like a moving target in my opinion. There are two types of love. The love that you feel - and you alone can feel it, and then the love that you share - active love. We'll call it selfish love vs. active love. I compartmentalize because I think it's easier to understand love when you split love into these two categories.

The idea of selfish love - I must admit - did not come from me. It came from.... dare I say it... a chick flick. Yes - I said it. I do get all my wonderful inspiration from chick flick movie writers (thank you people!! You are invaluable to my creative juices!!)

A scene from the movie "The Last Kiss"

(couldn't get an actual clip of the specific scene...)

I love this scene. If you want to watch this movie - SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT! Read the next paragraph!! Otherwise, read on... In this specific scene, Zach Braff is trying to win his girlfriend back after he cheated on her. He's trying to appeal to the girl's father - played so well by Tom Wilkinson. After he makes his plea - Tom Wilkinson's character says the following:

"Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

I started wondering about that... thinking to myself - is it the only thing that counts? Should that be what I teach my child?

People love in different ways - that's absolutely true. MCSquared is a selfish lover. I'm an active lover. But does that necessarily mean that my love is unrequited? I know that MCSquared loves me. He doesn't show it the way I'd like him to all the time, but I'm not "unloved."

In the end, however, it feels that way. In the end, when someone doesn't actively love you the way you need them to - then it feels like rejection - and unrequited love. I think it's because we are taught that if someone loves you enough - then they will.... You see it in a lot of movies. A person loves someone - so they sacrifice and do something they otherwise would NEVER do. I think there's folly in assuming that someone doesn't love you because they don't do that. But more importantly, I think it doesn't matter what the other person will or will not do for you.

What matters is what you are or aren't willing to take.

Whether or not what you're doing is enough for them is for them to convey - and you cannot have ownership over that (like - "doing things" for your loved one so that they love you... I find that a lot of active lovers try to do this - but that's an entirely different blog...) you have to detach from that.... If they don't think they're getting enough - then they have to be able to ask you for more.

But in the end, I want to teach my little one that what matters is whether or not you believe there is enough of both kinds of love. Do you think there's enough selfish love to sustain the the kind of active love you need from them.... The trick is the balance. No one wants to be with someone that showers them with active love, PDA, flowers, attention - but feels nothing for them. Eventually - a relationship like that will deteriorate from the inside. There is only so much active love that can be sustained without selfish love to fuel it. But - even if you KNOW there's A LOT of selfish love there (selfish to your partner, because they feel it all - and you feel nothing)- it's the active love that is the one that matters. Whether a lot or a little... you need to figure out for yourself - if it is enough.

It's not something easy. In fact, MCSquared and I are still working through that one. Sometimes our perception is off, sometimes the active loving is off.. But one thing is for certain, there's enough selfish love on both our parts that we keep trying...

Maybe- even THAT is enough.