Inner Strength in outer toesies.

I’m gazing at my daughter shoving a big handful of rice into her already filled mouth, chipmunk cheeks growing. She’s sitting lazily in her high chair, and I’m being an AWESOME mom by letting her watch TV and eat her lunch at the same time. I know – I know – bad habits. I keep thinking/saying that it’ll be different when this next one arrives. Probably not, but that’s what’s getting me through the guilt.

As you’ve already read, I’m going through some tough times. It would be unbearable given my current state of hormonal-ness. For pete’s sake – the toilet didn’t flush correctly last week – and I asked God why my life was so hard… I’m serious.

But – my heightened sense of “my life sucks right now” is tempered by this little chipmunk eating right next to me. She’s so full of life, laughter and joy. Living vicariously through her has lightened my “woe is me” attitude.

I used to watch movies and kinda scoff at the women who, while making their children struggle their entire lives about whether or not they love them (i.e., The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood) – they end up telling them 30 something years later that it is their mere existence that has made all the difference in their lives.

(watch the scene via (at around 4:50))

When I wasn’t a mom yet, I used to think I could handle anything. It was definitely easier. No tantrums to deal with, no one constantly bombarding you with needs and wants. I was able to maneuver through my life without much effort, and drown my sorrows in tequila laden nights and friends who would be so inclined to help me with that mission. For the most part, I was happily masking my pain with the busy-ness of a single/childless person’s life. I thought that was the ticket, and I thought I was doing well. I had full control over my life, and the mere thought of having to share that control with an uncontrollable infant/toddler was unthinkable. After all, I am number one in my own life.

Then I had her. Life hadn’t gotten easier. There were more stresses with a baby. She had demands and needs that sometimes I felt that I couldn’t address. I had demands and needs that had to suddenly take a back seat to the needs of this kid. My body changed, I lost a bit of my youth and beauty – and for a while – I thought it was too hard. On top of the underlying issues in my life, this little one added more, and took away the only way I understood how to deal with these problems… the freedom to do whatever I wanted.

But – begrudgingly, I started noticing other things. My life hadn’t gotten easier, but I was laughing more. I was delighted by the pitter batter of little fat fingers and toes on the floor that soon became little padded feet. I found happiness in a smile, or a successful bathroom run. The pride of seeing similarities between the two of us was mixed with the want to see her become a better version of me. But through it all – I was happy-happier than when I was just ‘managing’ my own unhappiness as a single/childless woman. Everything about her made me happy. Sometimes I was exhausted when she didn’t nap – but once asleep – the way the breathe came in and out between her puckered lazy lips made me smile in my heart.

Therein lies the difference. When I was dealing with my own pain and struggles on my own, there was no smile in my heart. After this one came, no matter how difficult things were, or how often I cried myself to sleep – there she was every morning, with a bright smile on her face, ready to discover the world all over again. And so bewitched was I that I started to want to rediscover the world again through her. It became beautiful to me again through her eyes, through her discovery. Fascinating, beautiful, radiant… that was the way she is, the way I am when I see her, and the way the world around us is…

So – as she sings the theme song to “Super Why” I’m reminded, I have untapped strength hidden. I want her to fly on her own one day – and not be encumbered by the idea that I find this inner strength through her…. But now that it’s been untapped and unleashed, I know it’s there and hopefully, I won’t always need her to be the one to release it for me.

But that’s a completely different blog.

Spread your wings butterfly.. and fly.....

I haven't been posting anything for a while because I've been going through some tough times.. There's been a lot of setbacks, but a lot of breakthroughs too. Usually -I find that I hash things out on my blog - but I've also realized that I am also this side of private to share all the nitty gritty details of my life – with or without anonymizing the people in my life.. (sorry – I just Sarah Palin’d that word – but it seemed appropriate..)

In all the roughness of the past month or two – I find that for the most part – I’m doing alright. I’m getting by – and more importantly – I’m learning a lot about myself….

I’m not sure if I wrote this in another blog – maybe my previous one – but I love this story – because I seem to be able to apply it to my own life – all the time,,

The story goes like this:

“There was once a man who found a butterfly’s cocoon on the ground. He had noticed a slight hole in it – and that the butterfly within was STILL IN THERE and ALIVE. He saw how it was struggling to get out – and decided that he had to help the butterfly. He poked at the hole – and soon – opened a gap in it big enough for the butterfly to easily climb out. The butterfly climbed out of the cocoon and tried in vain to spread its withered looking wings. Soon thereafter it died. The man was confused. What happened? Why hadn’t the butterfly spread its wings to fly?! Turns out – the butterfly needed to use its own efforts to get out of the cocoon – because that effort would pump the blood it needed into its wings so that the wings gained enough strength once it was able to get out of the cocoon, and fly away.”

The moral of the story is – the guy was a freakin jerk.

Okay – just kidding. The moral of the story is (for this blog – I kid you not – I use this story in a lot of contexts.. You may see it again) – some suffering may be good – because in the end – the struggle make us stronger.

I’m finding that especially true for me right now.

Sometimes it feels better to just sit and rot in our cocoons. I mean – why not? It’s nice and warm. We’re protected from the outside world. We’re dry, and for the most part, we’ve got the food we need to eat. We have no idea what’s out there.. Why bother even venturing outside at all?

Some people don’t venture outside their own cocoons, and they are ever happy about it. It’s not a big deal to them at all. I don’t judge these people. I think the world is tough enough – and everyone’s got to find their own happiness – no matter what. I know a number of these people – and I adore them. I’m also sure that in their own ways – they’ve encountered these small little cocoons of change and have triumphed.

And – there’s nothing to say that the world we venture into IS guaranteed to be better than the one we left. Sometimes our eyes are opened, and we DO wish we chose the BLUE pill.

(Matrix reference… sorry about that – but I love that movie!! But - see the clip - via)

But – if you’re unhappy about where you are – then where’s the loss? I think the mind and body always try to seek a balance within. Not just ancient Chinese juju I’m talking about – but you know when you’re off a little-both in happiness and sickness. When you’re unhappy – you feel it. You may not be able to recognize the origin of that unhappiness, but it’s there. And – when it is to the extent that it throws you off balance (which is when you start to notice it to the point where you actually ARE unhappy.. because – let’s face it – there are moments of the day where you might feel a little uhappy – but for the most part – they’re fleeting moments and have no true impact on your overall psyche..) there has to be enough of it for you to move into action.

Being generally unhappy is not good enough. I know a number of people whose personalities err on the side of unhappy, and they’re perfectly okay with that… Some people find happiness in their unhappiness. I’m not going to judge these people either. Like I said – everyone’s gotta find their own way.. Just don’t rain on my parade is MY motto.

But when you’re unhappy enough to the point where you need to find that balance again – a lot of times, you venture out of the cocoon – because the cocoon is not feng shuied enough. Not enough to balance your new needs. It worked at one point, but now you must move on.

Then – the work begins.

It’s not easy – change. Change is hard work. A lot of times, it opens up the closets in the house we call our brain, and skeletons come pouring out. Skeletons we spent many painstaking years trying to conceal. The difficulty with change comes in trying to deal with these skeletons, because you need to confront your skeletons, before you can get past it and get to the real change. For the most part, we don’t have to deal with ALL of them… just enough of them to effectuate some real change.

Sometimes we fail.. because it’s just too hard. But – other times, when we are able to get through it – it is brilliant.

I’m not there yet. I’m still struggling to get through it. I’m so focused on this right now – that everything else takes second seat. But – I’m emerging somewhat for air… and when I do – I see a glimpse of the shoreline of my destination – and it is beautiful.

I’m going to spread my wings… because I just screamed at the guy that was trying to help me – and said – I gotta do this all by myself man!! I’m gonna spread these wings, even if it kills me.