Laissez Love-A-Faire

I've been thinking about love. MCSquared and I have a very interesting love affair. I am an emoter. He is not. I show people that I love them when I do. He does not.

It got me to thinking about how I was supposed to teach my daughter about love and what to do with love.

Love is a bit like a moving target in my opinion. There are two types of love. The love that you feel - and you alone can feel it, and then the love that you share - active love. We'll call it selfish love vs. active love. I compartmentalize because I think it's easier to understand love when you split love into these two categories.

The idea of selfish love - I must admit - did not come from me. It came from.... dare I say it... a chick flick. Yes - I said it. I do get all my wonderful inspiration from chick flick movie writers (thank you people!! You are invaluable to my creative juices!!)

A scene from the movie "The Last Kiss"

(couldn't get an actual clip of the specific scene...)

I love this scene. If you want to watch this movie - SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT! Read the next paragraph!! Otherwise, read on... In this specific scene, Zach Braff is trying to win his girlfriend back after he cheated on her. He's trying to appeal to the girl's father - played so well by Tom Wilkinson. After he makes his plea - Tom Wilkinson's character says the following:

"Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

I started wondering about that... thinking to myself - is it the only thing that counts? Should that be what I teach my child?

People love in different ways - that's absolutely true. MCSquared is a selfish lover. I'm an active lover. But does that necessarily mean that my love is unrequited? I know that MCSquared loves me. He doesn't show it the way I'd like him to all the time, but I'm not "unloved."

In the end, however, it feels that way. In the end, when someone doesn't actively love you the way you need them to - then it feels like rejection - and unrequited love. I think it's because we are taught that if someone loves you enough - then they will.... You see it in a lot of movies. A person loves someone - so they sacrifice and do something they otherwise would NEVER do. I think there's folly in assuming that someone doesn't love you because they don't do that. But more importantly, I think it doesn't matter what the other person will or will not do for you.

What matters is what you are or aren't willing to take.

Whether or not what you're doing is enough for them is for them to convey - and you cannot have ownership over that (like - "doing things" for your loved one so that they love you... I find that a lot of active lovers try to do this - but that's an entirely different blog...) you have to detach from that.... If they don't think they're getting enough - then they have to be able to ask you for more.

But in the end, I want to teach my little one that what matters is whether or not you believe there is enough of both kinds of love. Do you think there's enough selfish love to sustain the the kind of active love you need from them.... The trick is the balance. No one wants to be with someone that showers them with active love, PDA, flowers, attention - but feels nothing for them. Eventually - a relationship like that will deteriorate from the inside. There is only so much active love that can be sustained without selfish love to fuel it. But - even if you KNOW there's A LOT of selfish love there (selfish to your partner, because they feel it all - and you feel nothing)- it's the active love that is the one that matters. Whether a lot or a little... you need to figure out for yourself - if it is enough.

It's not something easy. In fact, MCSquared and I are still working through that one. Sometimes our perception is off, sometimes the active loving is off.. But one thing is for certain, there's enough selfish love on both our parts that we keep trying...

Maybe- even THAT is enough.